Cruel Intentions

Men and the Dark Side of Breastfeeding Criticism

In my article Breastfeed Your Man???,I take a light-hearted approach to how men feel about breastfeeding. Unfortunately, there are also men who feel so strongly for or against breastfeeding they will use coercion, shame, humiliation, and even physical abuse to impose their opinions.

Mary’s Story

I met Mary a few weeks after the birth of her daughter. She was desperate to breastfeed, but had run into several problems.

Mary’s husband already had a poor opinion of breastfeeding.  His mother had told him the baby would not get enough, and all of his friends had bottle fed their babies. Between her daughter’s early struggles and her husband’s criticism, Mary’s efforts to breastfeed were sabotaged from the start.  

The baby lost weight. The concerned pediatrician, who was not trained in breastfeeding issues, told the worried parents to supplement with formula. Mary’s husband was convinced that breastfeeding was harming their baby and demanded that his wife feed only formula. Defeated, Mary complied with her husband’s wishes.

A few days later, her husband left for a 2 month deployment. After he left, Mary couldn’t let her desire to breastfeed go; so she asked for help with relactating. With a great deal of time and effort, she was able to breastfeed exclusively.

When her husband returned from his brief deployment, he was furious to discover his wife had resumed breastfeeding. She tried to show him that their daughter was thriving on breast milk, but he refused to believe her. He demanded that she stop breastfeeding immediately.

Mary was devastated; however, in the interest of pleasing her husband and having a peaceful home, she complied with his demands.

Shanna’s Story

Shanna had never seen anyone breastfeed, and she thought it sounded really gross. Everyone she knew bottle fed their babies and several of her friends also thought of breastfeeding as “disgusting.”

Her husband came from a pro-breastfeeding home where his mother was a nurse and his sister a La Leche League Leader. His expectation was for his wife to breastfeed their child.

Although this couple loved each other, he resorted to insulting his wife in order to try to convince her to breastfeed. His insults became increasingly cruel and personal. When her baby arrived, she made a half-hearted effort to breastfeed, but at the first sign of a problem she gave up completely.

Different Situations, Same Outcome 

In both of these situations, the men in question used their power in the relationship to push their own agenda. Research has shown that the support (or lack of support) from men (husbands, boyfriends, fathers, etc.) has a significant influence on the success or failure of breastfeeding.

The real losers in both cases were the children.

If your partner uses cruel words or is physically abusive in his opposition to you, this is not normal and it is not OK. Seek out a qualified counselor to work through your issues.

You teach your children what is acceptable by how you allow yourself to be treated. Getting help and working through issues in a non-abusive way will not only benefit you and your spouse, it will also benefit your children.