How to Deal with Criticism from Your Family
 Family--you can't live
with them, you can't…..well, you really can't live with them.
There are many reasons you moved away from home when you
were old enough. One of those reasons is that your family will
always remember you as that cute little kid with the scraped up
knees who needs to be held by the hand to cross the street.
Even family members who are younger than you may feel they
have free reign to tell you what to do. Criticism from family
members is both annoying and hurtful. It would be nice if they would
just keep their opinions to themselves, but there is little chance
they will change any time soon.
How will you deal with your family the next time they criticize
you?
When it's your siblings: Brothers and sisters
traditionally have love-hate relationships. Depending on where you
fall in the family birth order, your siblings may feel they are
justified in offering advice.
You are likely to get comments
from them regardless of if they have children themselves. Don't
despair. It is most likely they genuinely love you and want to help
you on your path.
However, this is one relationship where
jealousy and competitiveness can really create an environment for
unnecessary criticism. While it is possible you may be able to
change their opinions by educating them, it is just as likely they
will resort to that childhood tradition of pushing your buttons.
They may never be able to see you for what you actually
are--an excellent parent. How important is it to you that they
respect your parenting choices? It would be easy to fall into those
old sibling rivalry patterns, but you are in control of how you let
this affect you.
When it's your parents:
Your parents come from a different generation. The world has changed
significantly since you were a baby, and so have recommendations for
raising children. Your parents have a particular interest in the
health and well being of their grandchildren. This puts you all in a
difficult position.
If your parents are the meddling type,
you will either need to grow a backbone and set some boundaries or
be prepared to deal with some really offensive advice.
If
your parents have accepted the fact that you are an adult and are
willing to give you space to make your own parenting choices (and
mistakes), your life may be slightly easier. However, even the most
well-meaning parents will occasionally allow "the look" to move in
your direction.
Try to be patient. They no doubt have some
insecurity and guilt about the way you were raised. They may see
their grandchildren as the chance to make up for those mistakes. Try
to accept their criticism with grace, but without sacrificing your
own convictions.
When
it's your in-laws: Your relationship with your in-laws can
be tricky at best. This is one situation where the support of your
spouse is crucial. He really needs to stand up for you and the
decisions you have made as a family. This is particularly important
during the first few weeks after your baby is born when you are the
most vulnerable and your hormones are raging.
Discuss your
decisions in detail with your spouse and gently bring up how you
will react as a couple if other family members do not agree with
your decisions. If your spouse is not willing or able to support and
defend you, set boundaries with your in-laws and hold them to it.
Discuss your choices with your in-laws in a matter of fact
way. If they understand your reasons for the choices you have made,
they may change their tune and support you for taking such excellent
care of their grand-babies. Remember, they have different ideas
about the correct way to raise children, so it is possible you will
never see eye to eye.
Even so, you married their son, so
they must have done something right. Showing them a little respect
even if they are less than kind to you will make you the better
person.
If all else fails, walk away.If your family members are
exceptionally cruel or abusive in their inappropriate judgment of
you; it may be time to distance yourself.
Your children will
learn how they should allow others to treat them by the way you
allow yourself to be treated. Don't set an example as a victim. If
your family will not respect your boundaries, you owe it to yourself
and your children to walk away from the relationship.
Have you ever been criticized by a family member? Tell us your story!
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